Being asked to write an article for a magazine named Breath and Words instantly made me reflect on my own relationship with my breath and my words.
Growing up in a busy household with older siblings and older parents, my family never really had much time to involve me or to encourage me to converse. In fact I grew up hearing that ‘little girls should be seen but not heard’.
Throughout my later childhood, teen years and young adulthood, if I was asked an opinion or to input something into a discussion, my words often didn’t make sense. I would ramble, not really understanding what was coming out. My words reflected a jumbled and chaotic mind.
Among friends, colleagues and acquaintances my speech and conversation became a joke which I found it easier to laugh along with. Starting a conversation resulted in sharing another five or six sideline stories within. Distractions from the external world such as another person entering the room, but often the distractions came from within my own confusion of internal dialogues. Word associating would take me off onto a tangent along a different path and eventually, more often than not I would forget the point of the original conversation. The tribulations of a racing mind and the bottle neck of limited vocabulary!
Stressful situations were often positive as they enabled me to sharpen the mind and carve a clearer path for the right words to flow, but in closer relationships where I was relaxed, conversations were more difficult. I found it easier to do something else rather than speak my mind. I avoided confrontations of any kind. Feelings of anxiety and overwhelm at the thought of trying to coherently speak my mind were far too extreme and difficult for me to get past. And so it was easier to avoid expressing my thoughts and feelings. Words are so limiting anyway – when I feel so broadly and so deeply, how can words even begin to support me?!
This strategy worked really well for many years as it does for many people I imagine. “What’s the good in talking about things?” “It’s my problem, I shouldn’t think or feel this way”, “People don’t change”, “things just are how they are”, “the past is in the past”, “talking won’t change anything” etc etc. These are just some of the phrases I would tell myself to distract from the emotions that existed and that I didn’t want to confront, to feel, to acknowledge, or to make sense of. I didn’t even realise at this point that I could do anything any different to slow my thoughts, to view my thoughts from a different angle or to order and organise them into words that had meaning and expression.
Thoughts in my head triggered feelings in my body, emotions in my body triggered words I could not express and around and around I would go. Stuck on repeat, a repetitive cycle of thoughts, feelings which then impacted on behaviours. Behaviours become patterns and form habits which are hard to break. The cyclical spiral of exhaustion and self denial.
In this state of exhaustion, sadness and overwhelm at life I found myself drawn to ‘wellness’ and ‘mindfulness’, ‘meditation’ and cold water therapy, all of which I had heard of before and tried and enjoyed, but amongst this field I found ‘breathwork’. The physical act of changing the way I breathed. The ‘work’ of consciously connecting with my own breath – Now this had an impact. An instant impact. I remember my first breath hold after a round of fast paced breath cycles. That space in the pause! The stillness, the rest, the peace. From that space I could see me. I could feel me. I could gather my thoughts, untangle them from my feelings and emotions. I could plan action. Action for change.
Between the drawing in and letting go,
Between the receiving and releasing,
Between the inhale and the exhale,
In the suspension.
In the liminal space.
In limbo – the still point, the pivot point where the transition between inhale and exhale takes place. The kumbhaka as it is called in pranayama the ‘bahya kumbhaka’ (the pause after the exhale) and the ‘antara kumbhaka’ (the pause after the inhale).
These are spaces that are yours alone.
A space to rest, to listen, to hear, to feel, even a space to see.
Our breath is the language of our autonomic nervous system (ANS). And when we consider that the conversation between our nervous system and brain is 80% ANS (body) to brain and only 20% brain to body. It makes sense we should connect with our breath to listen to our internal system. Our deeper inner knowing.
Slowing my breathing rate and lengthening the pauses is like putting the brakes on my thoughts. It’s like an anchor, tethering me to stillness and calm waters, allowing me to listen to within. Connecting with my breath, drawing up information from the body, my senses, recognising the energy within. Slowing down my breaths helps me connect with the innermost core of my nervous system, the ancient architecture of my essence and being.
Inhaling the breath – drawing in inspiration – drawing in the chi, the life force, the wisdom within the air, allowing this to settle and for the pause to make sense and organise itself into words before the exhalation comes. A slow and steady exhale ensures the words flow with confidence and ease, knowing they are mine. A slower breath cycle with space in between the inhale and exhale gives opportunity and freedom for the structure of thoughts and words to be adequately, effectively and powerfully expressed. The pause allows a filter for my thoughts, a space to move from the chaos to some coherence, some meaningful structure.
Words hold such power, not just because they allow our voice to be seen and witnessed due to the meanings we attach to them, but words carry their own sounds and vibrations. The words we’ve picked up and learned from our external existence flood our thought processes. Words have influence and become ingrained in our beliefs. The way we describe, label, explain, understand and attach meaning to our world. The way words are said, the context in which they are used but also the tone and pitch can alter the vibration which in turn changes the energetic frequency of words, which then affects how we interpret, perceive and feel. Words form scripts and texts in which people live by creating division, comparison and competition. Words are limitations of perception.
Just as being aware of the breath brings us power, being aware of words and their power can create freedom. Awareness creates space, space gives us choice and choice is a freedom. Being mindful and aware of the words people use towards us, about us, around us. Being aware of the words we use to describe ourselves. The words we use, that are not ours. They may have been taught, embedded and tattooed into our brain, psyche and belief systems, but they don’t fit with us. Words that do not feel comfortable when we sit with them in the pause. Asking yourself, who gave you these words, what is a better description of how I think or feel? Bringing curiosity into the breathing space. Breath and words have a reciprocal relationship when we can unite them.
When we allow a space before exhalation and expression, that space gives us time to decide the words to be spoken. Knowing that words carry an energy and a vibration. Making a decision on which words to use, ensuring they are your words and not those patterned phrases belonging to someone else and regurgitated. Consider how to structure the intended meaning that will be respectful to both yourself and the recipient of your words. We want our words to land, to be heard and to be absorbed. If they are thrashed out with an energy of disrespect, anger or pain, then the recipient is less likely to receive and more likely to guard and defend those vibrations possibly with some negatively charged words of their own. I have found that sometimes words are best left unspoken. Not forever, but for a period of time until the energy behind them is more pure and loving.
Feeling capable and enabled to speak your own honest words is essential to having a wholesome life. Words are so powerful. Paradoxically words can be so limiting and inadequate to explain and describe the deep sense of inner knowing we can experience when we learn to listen to our internal inner felt senses. Breath awareness, conscious breathing and breath control can give you access to an experience before you can find the words to give meaning to it.
This is not just slowing down to allow a space to structure and format words into their most meaningful and powerful way. This is slowing down enough to allow something else to come in, something that has no words, the space between the breaths, something that cannot always be described using words.
How much time do you give yourself in the liminal, to allow, to sit, to feel and to focus. How much space do you give your friends without filling in the silences, or even to our children, to allow them space to explore their relationship between their breath and words.
